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Today

A fellow egroup member of mine, Candace Barnes, from Special Child Exchange, wrote this piece last week for her 50th birthday. I laughed and I cried while reading it because she was pretty accurate in describing how moms (of kids with special needs) like us have to prioritize other things above and beyond what we would have wanted for ourselves.

As I told her, I pray that when I reach the same age, I would also have the capacity to still find humor in every situation and to never lose hope like she does.

Thanks so much Candace for allowing me to share your very inspiring writeup to my other parent friends :)

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I always said when I turned 50 I would own a sports car - bright red and fast as they come.
I always said when I turned 50 I would be living the life I wanted.
When I turned 50 I would be a grandmother.
When I turned 50 my children would be grown and gone with lives of their own - good jobs and happy relationships.
When I turned 50 I would be wearing a two piece bathing suit again.
When I turned 50 I would not be going gray.
When I turned 50 I would look just like I did at 25 - before I had children.
When I turned 50 my life would be stress free because my life would be where it was supposed to be. I would be right on track.
When I turned 50 I was not going to grow OLD because 50 was such an awful old age.  

Well, today I turned 50.

photo borrowed from care2.com

I don't own the sports car -- I own a van that has handicap accessories. And it's not red.
I am not living the life I wanted for myself.

I am not a grandmother yet because my daughter has devoted all her spare time to helping with her brother and says she doesn't have time for men who can't understand our life.
My children aren't married and gone.
I certainly cannot get into the two piece - but I am working on it.
In the last 6 months I have developed gray hair.
I don't believe people when they say that I have hardly changed in 25 years.
My life is anything but stress free because we live at doctors offices and hospitals and therapists offices and all those other places that give you a headache.  

The one thing I do know is that the life I live now may not be what I planned or wanted but it is my life and I am living it.
I live with my son whose father could not handle the life.
I live with a child who has a continuous series of seizures all night long causing him to not sleep even with medication.
I live with a child who cannot walk at all to be like the other kids he sees.
I live with a child who cannot speak to tell me what he wants yet still manages to let me know he loves me very much.
I live with a child who endures painful treatments and therapies that I know I couldn't handle as well.
I live with a child who is happy, content and accepting of his disability and daily makes me understand more of the human spirit than any thing else ever could.
I live with a child who makes me proud to be his mother and has taught me how and when to take a stand and not give up.
I live with a child who was injured during delivery taking away the world and the life I thought was mine and the life I thought I would always have. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

photo borrowed from 123rf.com

My son has made me a different person and continues to do so daily.
I do not shape my life for my son but he has made me understand that we live in a different world than everyone around us and that's just the way it is.
When the other kids go swimming, my son is learning to hold a cup with his right hand.
When the other kids are playing sports, my son is learning to stand up straight.
When the other kids are riding their bikes my son is learning how to say the word "dog".

I love my child and would not live the other life I had for anything now.  

Before you get old take a look at how you used to live and how you live now.
Look at your child and understand that they did nothing to be this way.
You did nothing to make them this way.
God put these children here for a reason and it is just not our time to learn what that reason is.
One day all of our miracles will begin to happen and we shall all see just what Gods plan is.  

So when you are frustrated, disgusted, just wanting to walk away from it all -- REMEMBER -- that child loves you and tries in every way to show you that every day.
Your husband, wife, significant other in your life is there because they want to help you and hold you and love you through all the times you just can't do it anymore.
Sometimes life takes over and we forget when we live in our little routines just how lucky we are.
We have been given something that other people haven't gotten.
We are being given an education, a training, an endurance test that no one else gets.
And we are all proving that we can endure and last.

photo borrowed from dreamstime.com

God tests all his people to see if they are worthy and I know if it is in my fate to go to heaven then I will see each and every one of you there for there are no greater or more deserving people on earth than those that love and care for a child who cannot care for themselves.  

So today I turn 50 and say THANK YOU to all of you who have - through endless postings -- shown me that I am not alone, am not isolated in this world I live in. You have shown me that if I am losing my mind at least I am doing it in good company. You have shown me the enduring spirit of the people who truly love and care for no other reason than just to love and care. You show that everyday by having your children and doing what it takes to make their lives as full as possible.  

So I ask all of you - for my birthday- please give each of your children an extra hug and kiss today. Just for me.

I now have a man in my life that is the person I was fated to be with. He and I have lived near each other, associated with the same groups of people over the years, shopped in the same stores, gone to the same areas of town, had family members living as neighbors. Yet we never met. He has made me realize the impact that Fate has on our lives. It wasn't time for us to meet years ago. Now is my time for this part of my life and I couldn't have that last bit of complete happiness without him. When my son's father left I thought I would die. I thought this is how my life was going to be forever. Just me and my son together forever - no breaks - no time away - nothing.

Yet, in a chance meeting - this man stepped into my life and has become such an integral part of our lives that I can't imagine what it was like before him and what it would be like without him. I feel like my son had finally gotten the DAD he was supposed to have.  

So 50 is not so bad after all.

* posted with permission


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